End of an Era: The Silenced Mics of the Jaula das Gostosudas

Posted: December 26, 2013 in Uncategorized
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The Jaula das Gostosudas (Caged Hotties), Brazil’s once-premiere female funk group, just aborted its reign at the top of the pops due to, as you might have surmised, internal schisms amongst its female integrants. (To be fair, The Beatles also ended due to mutual animosities between the Fab Four, so it’s not just a female thing.) Never being one to extol the virtues of Carioca funk music, I never knew the gostosudas existed. But as with all the most fortuitous of life’s multi-hued circumstances, I found out about the group half-an-hour ago, whilst on a quest for an open Starbucks in Leblon and passing random, seemingly unconnected people who, upon further scrutiny, possessed three common attributes uniting them this overcast Sunday morning: all were men, all were over 40, and all held open the entertainment section of today’s paper, examining with exquisite interest an article proclaiming the end of the Jaula das Gostosudas. Clearly the break-up of this funk outfit is receiving disproportionate attention, and one suspects this is not due to the loss of quality music now that gostosudas’ mics are forever silenced, their bum-bums never to bounce anew.

For posterity’s sake, it’s critical we invest a final, proud moment in honoring the achievements of these Brazilian artists, these musical queen-pins who took it to the proverbial next level. Seizing the liberty to conduct a YouTube search, I chanced upon the following specimens of their contribution to arts and letters in Rio de Janeiro and beyond.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wYBkBd6I1IA. This one’s my personal fave. The push-ups will spur you onward to exercise robustly. Start around 1:04.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DVHQ3InCe1I. Not only were the gostosudas in peak physical condition, they could likewise croon. Consider starting around 1:10.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bf5RuV49iXo. Here they demonstrate the training regime that undoubtedly catapulted the gostosudas to stardom.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=viaKwjffWzM. For point of comparison, here is one of the many competitor female funk outfits, Gaiola das Popuzudas. Their lead singer, Valeska Popuzuda, broke off to begin a solo career last year, and has done well for herself based on the amount of advertising I’ve spotted for her in select parts of Rio.

http://www.vice.com/vice-meets/the-biggest-ass-in-brazil. In the broader historical trajectory of the study of Brazilian butts, here’s the one that initiated the trend. Granted, there were meaty flanks in Brazil long before her time. But the Mulher Melancia (Watermelon Woman) was the first to elevate the lethal duo of bun-bouncing and Carioca funk music to national prominence. Watermelon actually found six distinct speeds with which to shake; just wait ’til she shifts into 6th gear. It’s a sports car, not a family sedan, and it’s at least level-4 armored.

I don’t know why, but when searching for the Jaula das Gostosudas in YouTube, buried midway down the list of return is always Anthrax’s “Room for One More” video. I don’t recall thonged hinds in the Anthrax clip; then again I never paid much attention to anything they did during that long, depressing night with John Bush on vocals.


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